Why “If I Can Do It, You Can Too” Doesn’t Work

This week, I’m unpacking the “work harder and you’ll succeed” narrative and why it keeps missing the mark.

I break down the real reason this messaging doesn’t land for so many women, especially Black women and mothers. Spoiler, we aren't lacking ambition or discipline. But we are lacking acknowledgment around capacity.

I explore what capacity actually means, how your nervous system impacts your ability to follow through, and why one-size-fits-all success advice often leads to burnout, shame, and self-doubt. I also share practical ways to start working with your capacity instead of constantly overriding it.

This Sunday, May 3rd in LA, I'm also Gathered: Sunday In The Park a free event for moms where we slow down, regulate the nervous system, and intentionally enter the week ahead together. RSVP here.

Connect with me:

• Resources: https://www.shanettamcdonald.com/free 
• Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/iamshanettamcdonald/
• Newsletter sign-up: https://shanetta.substack.com/

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:02

Welcome to Your Body Knows, a podcast for women ready to return to their bodies and reclaim their power, their truth, and their way forward. I'm your host, Shanetta McDonald, a somatic life coach and writer. Each episode will explore the messy, beautiful work of healing, self-trust, and learning to feel at home in your own skin. Whether you're in a season of transition or simply longing to feel more like yourself, this space is for you. Let's listen in.

SPEAKER_01 0:39

Hello, hello. Welcome to the podcast. This is Shanetta McDonald, Sematic Life Coach and host of Your Body Knows. It's been a while since I've checked in and I've been really busy preparing for some amazing upcoming episodes with some great guests. But in the meantime, wanted to hold us over with a solo pod focused on something that's come up quite a bit in my coaching sessions with clients lately. And then something that's also made its way mainstream into the cultural conversation. And it's it hasn't been named. I have named it. But it's capacity. Over the past couple of weeks, um, there's been a lot of conversation online sparked by a high-profile founder. I won't name her, um, but basically reinforcing this idea that if you work hard enough, if you stay disciplined enough, if you want it badly enough, you can achieve anything. And it it has been everywhere in the past week or two. Um, I feel like most of my listeners have probably tuned into this rhetoric and conversations around it. And I am not the only one who uh was uh shaken by it a little bit. And it definitely got under my skin, especially because I wrapped up a few two in particular coaching sessions with clients in which we talked about capacity and the idea that we should be doing more than what we do or what we are able to do, what we have the capacity to do. Um, you've probably seen a response to this. A lot of women like me, uh, especially mothers, are pushing back. Not because ambition is offensive, but because the narrative that this person was spreading feels so out of touch. So out of touch. And also it's not new. It's nothing new that patriarchy has been bestowing to us for decades, if not longer than that. Um I sat with this. I sat with the feelings of why I felt bothered. Then I realized again that this wasn't anything new, but also I realized that this same message in particular of working harder, doing more, grinding, fill in the blank, you it's just the same thing, different way we phrase it. Uh, it's just getting repackaged, which is so harmful. And the real issue isn't that none of us are motivated or that we're lacking discipline or willingness or willpower. Sometimes those things can be true. Um it's that these conversations completely ignore capacity. And I don't think we talk about capacity enough. So that's what I want to talk about today. Um it's the idea that or or around why, if I can do it, you can do it too, but does not work. I'll also talk about what capacity actually means, at least in my opinion. I'll also talk about how you can start to make decisions from your real capacity instead of constantly overriding yourself, which is what we women do so often. So let's just name it. Uh the idea that anyone can achieve anything if they just work hard enough sounds good. It sounds good in theory, right? Uh it's easy, it's simple, it's it sounds easy, excuse me. It sounds simple, it's inspiring. Um I I think we gravitate towards ideas and concepts that give us a sense of control. I think it's just a human condition. But it only works if everyone is starting from the same place, and they are not. None of us are starting from the same place. We are all starting from very different places. But this narrative of if I can do it, you can do it too, flattens people's realities, right? It ignores context, it it ignores support systems, it ignores systemic barriers, it ignores caregiving, it ignores burnout, it ignores trauma, it ignores how different people's bodies actually function. It ignores everything, essentially. And what ends up happening is that when people can't meet that standard, they we don't question the standard. We start to question ourselves, why can't I do X, Y, and Z? Why can't I achieve X, Y, Z like this person? Even if we're not maybe directly comparing ourselves. If we see that it's possible and then we see that we are struggling to meet that same level of achievement, fill in the blank on whatever it is, we start to question ourselves, um, what's wrong with me? Why can't I keep up? Why does this feel so fucking hard? Um, when really, I think the better question is, what am I carrying that this framework doesn't account for? Because the truth is that two people can want the exact same thing. They can work really hard and so have completely different outcomes. And it has nothing to do with whether one person is war, is more worthy, um, whether they're more disciplined. Again, it has to do with capacity. Their capacity is likely different. So let's talk about the word capacity because I use it a lot with my clients. I've used it already about a dozen times in the past few minutes in this podcast. In my opinion, capacity is your ability to hold, process, and move through your life. And that includes so much more than just time. It includes a few things: your nervous system, energy, emotional bandwidth, responsibilities, mental load, level of support, health, season of life. I could go on and on and on. All of that determines what you can sustainably do. The other thing I want to point out is that capacity is not fixed. And I think this is really, really important to remember. Capacity expands and contracts. So if you're a mother with young kids, your capacity is going to look different than it did five years ago. I am a testament to that. Um, if you're healing from burnout, illness, heartbreak, your capacity is different. Uh, if you're building something without financial backing or support, capacity is different. But we don't always account for that. We just expect ourselves to perform at the same level all the time. And I think it's really interesting that I'm coaching a lot of clients around this right now because it's something that I in the past struggled with without having the language for. Uh, I have always been the most disciplined, driven, A-type, go-getter, hustle. I had the dog in me for so many years of my life, all almost all of my professional life, until I got pregnant and I had a baby and COVID hit, and like everything changed. Uh, the capacity that I had to get up at 6 a.m. and have my day complete before 2 p.m. And then still have time and energy to see friends, to work on creative projects, to try new hobbies, to do all the things. That looks very different for me now. Dare I say, I don't have that now. Uh, my capacity varies. It wanes. My capacity was is completely different from the first year of motherhood, of motherhood, um, from last year. Uh, my capacity today is different based on what cycle I'm in in my menstrual cycle. I'm in my ovulatory cycle as I record this. Once I am at menstruating and inludio, it'll be completely different. And I know we talk a lot about seasons. I talk a lot about seasons. Um I think seasons and capacity are synonymous, but seasons in my mind are are a little bit broader and they reflect seasons. But capacity, I think, varies day to day. So when I say it's not fixed, it literally can change overnight. Sometimes I wake up with a lot of energy and by the end of the day, I don't have like I don't have the same capacity. Most of us don't have the same capacity. And so I want us to think about capacity in shorter, shorter time spans and within the concept of 24 hours and shorter if we need to, right? And the the idea around capacity expanding and contracting, it it gets even more interesting. Um, and I think this conversation becomes even more important because once we realize that capacity isn't just about how much you have to do, and we start to learn that it's about the state of your body, what state your body is in while you're doing it, then that unlocks a whole new level. If your nervous system is dysregulated, if you're constantly in stress, pressure, urgency, survival mode, everything costs more. Basic tests feel heavier, decision making gets a lot harder, louder, difficult to make. Um, you procrastinate more because your system is overladed, overloaded, excuse me, again, has nothing to do with willingness, laziness. But you don't, your body does not have the physical capacity to do the same things that it would normally do. And then what we tend to do, like I've mentioned previously, is we try to fix it. We try to be more disciplined. We download another, I don't know, productivity system, another app. We research, we find that the person that who can help me to figure this out, uh, we try to optimize our time, we push harder. But you cannot out-strategize a dysregulated nervous system. The solution is to become more regulated before you attempt to do anything else. Capacity expands when our bodies are rested, calm, and in a state where we are not fighting against what our bodies want us to do. You have to actually create conditions where your body feels safe enough to function. That does not mean doing nothing, but it means understanding that regulation is a part of productivity. Let me say that again. It means that we have to understand that regulation is a part of productivity. Rest, whatever that looks like for you, is a part of being productive. I also recording this podcast today, had a long day. I recently moved. My daughter's school is farther away from where we live. I have a commute to get my child from school until she changes schools. I brought her back. We laid on the couch. Actually, she watched the show. I laid on, I had to close my eyes. I was like, I am so exhausted. Normally, I would want to go us to go to the park. I would want to do something active with her. Today I just didn't have the capacity. And I just allowed myself to rest. And it's it changed everything. I was able to record this podcast. Had I not allowed myself to rest, I wouldn't have recorded this. I would have perhaps pushed myself through the rest of the evening, been exhausted, and just fallen into bed, even more exhausted. And I'm still gonna sleep tonight, uh, but I believe I have a little bit more energy, enough energy to be able to record this and share this with you all. Um, you know, one of the biggest patterns that I see that I also don't want to forget to mention, especially with high achieving women, is this constant overriding, like I just mentioned. Um I believe that we say yes, we we don't have the bandwidth. Um, we commit from a future version of ourselves that has more energy, more time, more clarity than we actually do know, do right now. Um I have a busy life. I run two businesses. I am a single mother, and uh there are things that need to be on the calendar in advance. Like I don't always have the luxury of winging it, but I review my calendar every week, daily as well. And the things that are sucking my energy, I'm very cognizant of what needs to be rescheduled. Do I need this call today? I booked this call or this meeting when I thought I would feel differently, or when I came from a more resourced place, and I don't have that right now. So if I can't get rid of this call or this, this this thing, whatever it is, then how can I make it better? How can I make like sure that I take care of myself before and after? Those are some of the things that I start to ask myself. So I am not depleted. Um, you know, so many of us feel like we're failing when we can't keep up. Um, this isn't failure. Uh sometimes it's just not aligned. Sometimes what stretches our capacity may not be aligned. And I think again, if we go back to continuously asking ourselves this question of like, what do I have the capacity for today? Um that that can shift things. But if we are constantly exhausted, feeling behind or resentful, there's a good chance that we're operating beyond our capacity. So, what does this look like to work with your capacity? How do we put this into practice day in, day out? Um, the first thing I think is honesty. So that's the very first thing. Get really, really honest about where you are right now. Not where you think you should be. Just focus on where am I at today? Um, how much energy do you actually have in a day? What is currently taking the most out of you? What are you not factoring in that's draining your capacity? What that has looked like for me, I'll just speak from my experience in the past, is our fucking phones. Absolutely. Last year was the first year I began to sleep with my phone outside of the bedroom. My phone is not in my bedroom. If my child is not with me, the only reason I think of why people don't want why people are so held to their phones being next to them is number one, we're addicted to our phones. Number two, for emergencies, right? And so the only emergency that could happen, I I would probably be, dare I say, okay, learning about it the next day. If my child is not with me, she is with her father and she's likely safe. And that's okay for me. You know, um, it can usually wait. Again, my child is usually with me, or she is with another adult, usually her father, and she is safe and she is fine. But leaving and placing my phone intentionally in another room, my phone lives in the kitchen overnight, has given me back my mornings. And so the dopamine that I would usually spend on checking emails, scrolling through Instagram, checking out of my notifications, whatever's happening on my phone in the morning, it's now reserved for me. I have time to meditate in the morning, I have time to get myself together, take my dog out, work out, shower. Just from that simple, simple task of it was that easy, but it was simple of removing my phone from the bedroom. Um, and there are other things that drain our capacity, right? Uh, most screens do. So our phones, our computers, the TV. Um, I can do an entirely different podcast on all of the things that I think are draining us, not just our energy, but our time, our emotional bandwidth. Um and so I actually will do that podcast to dive into that deeper. But anyway, start to think about okay, where's my energy being sucked? Where's the time being sucked? And start there. And the second thing is checking in before you commit. So this is again also simple, but it changes everything. Before you say yes to something, ask, do I have the capacity for this right now? We're not thinking into the future right now. If the answer is no, either adjust the expectation or say no. Simple. Um, the third is also all of this is aligned with the nervous system support. But this one in particular is really not complicated. This can be small things. So slowing your breathing, taking breaks without input, stepping outside, reducing how much you're consuming. Um, these little moments signal to your body that you're not in danger and they help your nervous system reset. Again, I'll put all of these tips in another podcast. But one thing I've been instructing clients to do, I feel like everyone's talking about going outside and touching grass. But taking that a step further, think about the times where weather permitting, where you can be outside and you don't have to be in front of a screen. So basically, if you're not on a work call, um what are what are times throughout your day where you can actually be outside? You're not on your computer, you don't have a call. Can you just go outside? Can you go outside to eat your lunch? Can you go outside to take your dog on an extra walk? Is there a park near you? Can you literally just go outside more than you would stay indoors? I have an extended tool for this, but the closer we get back to nature, the closer we can get to regulating our nervous systems. And those are just examples. Um, I can talk about different breathing techniques again in that future podcast, um, as well as consumption. I've talked about media consumption, but we can go down a big rabbit hole with that. Um, and the fourth is redefining productivity. So instead of asking yourself, how much did I get done today? Start by asking, did I work within my capacity? So, did I leave myself with anything at the end of the day? Am I building something sustainable or am I burning through myself? And I think this is such a beautiful reframe. We all have lists of things we want to get done. I have a running list every week that I update, but each day, I I go through it and I say, what do I have the capacity for today? I might only have the capacity to check one of those things off the list. Most times I only have the capacity to check one thing off the list. And that has to be enough. That has to be enough for me. Um working within what our capacity allows us to do is such a more gentle option than anything else, really, of forcing, trying, pushing. Someone else's output, and I'm not saying we all look at what other people are doing, but this was inspired by the conversations in recent weeks, but someone else's output has is not proof of what you should be able to do. Bottom line. I think if you take one thing away, just remember that someone else's output has nothing to do with you, basically. You don't know their support, their resources, their responsibilities, their body. Their capacity is not your capacity. Um the other thing that comes up, which I, again, will spend an entire episode about, is vision. Everyone has a different, if you have a vision for your life, everyone has a different vision for their life. And mine isn't uh me being a workhorse. I think that I think a lot of us have shifted out of that. Now, if that is you, that is amazing. That is great for you. But that has nothing to do with the person next to you. And overall, I think what has come up in this conversation recently is just deeper than one person or one comment. Um it's a collective exhaustion with being told that if we're not where we want to be, we just need to try harder. And that is bullshit. Period. I think we're tired of being sold formulas that don't account for real life. And what I want you to take from this is not do less or give up on your goals. That's not what I'm saying. But I want you to work with yourself, understand your capacity, respect it, and build from there. Because when you do that, your success might lot look like someone else's, but it will actually be sustainable. And it will actually feel like yours. And that's what we all want. We want our success to feel like ours, not like someone else's. So I hope this was helpful. I am so excited to share more amazing guests with you coming soon. And I'm also I'll put in the show notes hosting an event in Los Angeles this Sunday, if you're available. It is for moms. Um I hope it's hosting a series of events for moms under the moniker gathered. And the first one is Sunday in the park, coaching session, nervous system reset. Again, I'll put all the details in the show notes this Sunday, May 3rd at 10 a.m. Would love to see you there. If you can't make it, I'll be hosting plenty of other events. And stay regulated. Work within your capacity. You got this, and I am so grateful that you continue to tune in. Take care.